An Inner Harvest

Fall has always been my season. The cool crisp air has always invigorated me and, coupled with the thrill of a new school year, been a time of excitement.  This Fall is no different, although the excitement the past few weeks leading up to Fall has been stressful.  So, when I found an article about Fall Equinox celebrations that included doing something called an Inner Harvest, I was inspired.

"An inner harvest referes to all the achievements and experiences that you have had or felt during the past few seasons. This is a way of restoring gratitude into your life, as you realize what you have done and how you have coped with challenges during the past few months" - WikiHow.com

So...here I go.

• Over the past year I've learned that you cannot change others, only yourself.  This has been a HUGE lesson to learn and something I have to constantly remind myself.
  
• I've learned how to be alone. This is something that I truly believe everyone should learn. Be comfortable being by yourself instead of "needing" someone else. Of course, it's great to have friends and family around and maybe even a special someone in your life - but knowing you'll be okay on your own is really freeing.
• My bond with my daughter has grown stronger. My daughter and I have had a special bond ever since I was pregnant. I honestly believe that her little soul was up in Heaven and found me. She has taught me about the type of mother and person I want to be. While she tests me like any other child does and tests my patience some days without fail, her laughter and the joy she brings to people she encounters amazes me.
• I survived a divorce without making it messy, totally losing myself or going into a depression (for too long). Yes, this year has been tough. Yes, there have been days on end where I stayed in bed all day instead of doing anything. Yes, I've gotten angry. Yes, I've been scared, worried, stressed, and sad. However, I survived pretty much unscathed.  I'm sure there will be more days when I feel all those things again, but I know I'll get through it.
• I've learned to listen to my body and know when I'm doing too much. Sure, I've said that before. But after ending up in the hospital in May I realized that while I need to pay my bills working 6 or 7 days a week and not making time for me wasn't good. It wasn't good for me, and it wasn't good for Helena. I've since taken my work email off my iPhone and cut back on my Mary Kay business. I also try my best to leave work at the office. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my job and Mary Kay - I just decided to really take Mary Kay's advice to heart. She said, "My priorities have always been God first, family second, career third. I have found that when I put my life in this order, everything seems to work out."
• I've learned to laugh at myself. This is a pretty easy one when you work with my coworkers. We laugh at ourselves everyday. Taking myself less seriously has helped me grow too. Something about being made to look at yourself through a bit a laughter helps take the edge off some stressful situations.
• I realize when I'm not looking at the big picture more often than I used to. I was having one of my bad days, worried about how life was going to be after my divorce when a friend asked me if I was playing on a small board or a big board (I totally misquoted him there, but it's close enough to get the meaning). I've always played on a small board, tackling what needed to be done that moment planning out details without stopping to look at the big picture. Now, I try to keep this in mind when I do things - from my job to what types of food I'm feeding my daughter. Sure, I still get bogged down with the details and the tactical aspects of life and work - but I realize it when it happens. I still have a long way until I really feel I am playing on that big board, but at least my board isn't travel size anymore.
• I've started sleeping in the middle of the bed - and sometimes diagonally, too. This is a very new thing for me. For years, even on those nights I was sleeping alone, I stayed on my side of the bed. Now, I'm taking up the whole bed - and I like it. Ha! This may prove to be a problem way down the line, but I'm not worrying about it for now.
• I try to think of at least one thing that went RIGHT in my day. I was having a particularly bad day and venting to my housemate when she told me something that her grandmother would say to her: "Yes, but what went right today?" From then on I've been trying to remind myself of that anytime I start to get stressed or down about things. I've also incorporated it into my drive home or dinner with my daughter. I try to always ask her what was her favorite thing about the day. I think it's a cute tradition to have and a good habit to get into sharing about our days in a positive way - even before she starts school.
• I've reconnected with family and friends. There were a few months where I went into what one of my friends calls the Mommy Cave. Didn't talk to anyone really. This summer, however, I came out of the cave and made an effort to reconnect with friends that I felt were very positive people. I also reconnected with both my Mother's and Father's sides of the family. Last December, Helena and I spent a week up in Maine with my Dad's side of the family and this August we spent a few days down in South Carolina with my Mom's side of the family. I'm also planning to descend upon my Aunt's house in the next month (she doesn't know yet) to ask her to teach me how to can fruits and vegetables. My housemate knows how, but our kitchen is REALLY small compared to my Aunt's kitchen.
• I've reconnect with the Earth. A bit hokey, but I really feel I've reconnected with the Earth. My trip to the beach was the start of that reconnection. Spending hours in the waves helped wash away some of what I needed to let go this year. The night after my divorce hearing, instead of boozing it up, me and my girlfriends sat around drinking different teas with honey from a farm in Maine. And, for the first time in a long time, I've had the windows of the house open letting in the cool breeze. I've also recently joined a CSA and am getting fruits and vegetables straight from a farm. I've also discovered Farmer's Markets and H Mart (a Korean grocery store that sells lots of fresh fish and other fun things). I am also looking into buying hormone-free beef and poultry straight from the farm as well. It makes me feel good knowing where my food is coming from and what's going into it.
• I've learned to cook. I've always known how to cook. But my housemate is teaching me more about different varieties of fruits and vegetables and how to really cook "fancy" meals. They aren't really fancy, but instead of just baking skinless, boneless chicken breasts in the oven I am searing things, deglazing pans, and cooking things I've never cooked before now. Also, watching her cook has inspired me to try to cook new things. AND Helena likes most of what we cook.
• I've learned I like it when things are slow. Not that I've been living life in the fast lane or anything, but over the Summer I've really enjoyed those weekends when I actually don't have anything planned and I just stay home. I get my chores done and do little projects like paint morals in Helena's play area. I can take my time, take breaks, read a book, watch a movie and just be. I like being domestic. I like my evenings to be cooking - more like talking to my housemate while she cooks - and reading a story to Helena and then chilling in front of the TV, reading a book, or writing my blog...or going to sleep early. When I take time out of life to just be, I feel better and react better to everything that is thrown at me. I also appreciate things a little more.
• I've learned to be less of a control freak. During my first show in the DC-area I had a shirt with the words "Control Freak" on it. It was true description of who I've been most of my life. I'm still working on shifting gears faster when things are throw at me, but I've learned over the past year to let go of controlling everything. It actually feels good to leave some of the planning and decisions to someone else sometimes. I'm not saying I shrug off responsibility, I just have realized I can't control it all and sometimes it's OK to not be the one in charge. 
  
• I've learned feeling vulnerable doesn't make me a weak person. Letting down my guard with people is hard - it goes along with the Control Freak thing.  I've always felt that I had to be in control of the situation and I couldn't show others when I was feeling "weak." This doesn't mean that I go around crying all the time either, but certain friends this past year have shown me it's OK to let down my guard with them and be honest about what I'm feeling. Sure the wall is up most of the time, but I now know that letting it down and letting people see my vulnerable side doesn't make me weak and won't always lead to me getting hurt.

I'm sure there are many more things that I've done or learned over the past few seasons, but I think these are the biggies. I encourage everyone to do a little Inner Harvest to see how you've grown over the past few seasons. It's hard to see your growth sometimes, especially when you are dealing with some hard situations.