An Inner Harvest

Fall has always been my season. The cool crisp air has always invigorated me and, coupled with the thrill of a new school year, been a time of excitement.  This Fall is no different, although the excitement the past few weeks leading up to Fall has been stressful.  So, when I found an article about Fall Equinox celebrations that included doing something called an Inner Harvest, I was inspired.

"An inner harvest referes to all the achievements and experiences that you have had or felt during the past few seasons. This is a way of restoring gratitude into your life, as you realize what you have done and how you have coped with challenges during the past few months" - WikiHow.com

So...here I go.

• Over the past year I've learned that you cannot change others, only yourself.  This has been a HUGE lesson to learn and something I have to constantly remind myself.
  
• I've learned how to be alone. This is something that I truly believe everyone should learn. Be comfortable being by yourself instead of "needing" someone else. Of course, it's great to have friends and family around and maybe even a special someone in your life - but knowing you'll be okay on your own is really freeing.
• My bond with my daughter has grown stronger. My daughter and I have had a special bond ever since I was pregnant. I honestly believe that her little soul was up in Heaven and found me. She has taught me about the type of mother and person I want to be. While she tests me like any other child does and tests my patience some days without fail, her laughter and the joy she brings to people she encounters amazes me.
• I survived a divorce without making it messy, totally losing myself or going into a depression (for too long). Yes, this year has been tough. Yes, there have been days on end where I stayed in bed all day instead of doing anything. Yes, I've gotten angry. Yes, I've been scared, worried, stressed, and sad. However, I survived pretty much unscathed.  I'm sure there will be more days when I feel all those things again, but I know I'll get through it.
• I've learned to listen to my body and know when I'm doing too much. Sure, I've said that before. But after ending up in the hospital in May I realized that while I need to pay my bills working 6 or 7 days a week and not making time for me wasn't good. It wasn't good for me, and it wasn't good for Helena. I've since taken my work email off my iPhone and cut back on my Mary Kay business. I also try my best to leave work at the office. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my job and Mary Kay - I just decided to really take Mary Kay's advice to heart. She said, "My priorities have always been God first, family second, career third. I have found that when I put my life in this order, everything seems to work out."
• I've learned to laugh at myself. This is a pretty easy one when you work with my coworkers. We laugh at ourselves everyday. Taking myself less seriously has helped me grow too. Something about being made to look at yourself through a bit a laughter helps take the edge off some stressful situations.
• I realize when I'm not looking at the big picture more often than I used to. I was having one of my bad days, worried about how life was going to be after my divorce when a friend asked me if I was playing on a small board or a big board (I totally misquoted him there, but it's close enough to get the meaning). I've always played on a small board, tackling what needed to be done that moment planning out details without stopping to look at the big picture. Now, I try to keep this in mind when I do things - from my job to what types of food I'm feeding my daughter. Sure, I still get bogged down with the details and the tactical aspects of life and work - but I realize it when it happens. I still have a long way until I really feel I am playing on that big board, but at least my board isn't travel size anymore.
• I've started sleeping in the middle of the bed - and sometimes diagonally, too. This is a very new thing for me. For years, even on those nights I was sleeping alone, I stayed on my side of the bed. Now, I'm taking up the whole bed - and I like it. Ha! This may prove to be a problem way down the line, but I'm not worrying about it for now.
• I try to think of at least one thing that went RIGHT in my day. I was having a particularly bad day and venting to my housemate when she told me something that her grandmother would say to her: "Yes, but what went right today?" From then on I've been trying to remind myself of that anytime I start to get stressed or down about things. I've also incorporated it into my drive home or dinner with my daughter. I try to always ask her what was her favorite thing about the day. I think it's a cute tradition to have and a good habit to get into sharing about our days in a positive way - even before she starts school.
• I've reconnected with family and friends. There were a few months where I went into what one of my friends calls the Mommy Cave. Didn't talk to anyone really. This summer, however, I came out of the cave and made an effort to reconnect with friends that I felt were very positive people. I also reconnected with both my Mother's and Father's sides of the family. Last December, Helena and I spent a week up in Maine with my Dad's side of the family and this August we spent a few days down in South Carolina with my Mom's side of the family. I'm also planning to descend upon my Aunt's house in the next month (she doesn't know yet) to ask her to teach me how to can fruits and vegetables. My housemate knows how, but our kitchen is REALLY small compared to my Aunt's kitchen.
• I've reconnect with the Earth. A bit hokey, but I really feel I've reconnected with the Earth. My trip to the beach was the start of that reconnection. Spending hours in the waves helped wash away some of what I needed to let go this year. The night after my divorce hearing, instead of boozing it up, me and my girlfriends sat around drinking different teas with honey from a farm in Maine. And, for the first time in a long time, I've had the windows of the house open letting in the cool breeze. I've also recently joined a CSA and am getting fruits and vegetables straight from a farm. I've also discovered Farmer's Markets and H Mart (a Korean grocery store that sells lots of fresh fish and other fun things). I am also looking into buying hormone-free beef and poultry straight from the farm as well. It makes me feel good knowing where my food is coming from and what's going into it.
• I've learned to cook. I've always known how to cook. But my housemate is teaching me more about different varieties of fruits and vegetables and how to really cook "fancy" meals. They aren't really fancy, but instead of just baking skinless, boneless chicken breasts in the oven I am searing things, deglazing pans, and cooking things I've never cooked before now. Also, watching her cook has inspired me to try to cook new things. AND Helena likes most of what we cook.
• I've learned I like it when things are slow. Not that I've been living life in the fast lane or anything, but over the Summer I've really enjoyed those weekends when I actually don't have anything planned and I just stay home. I get my chores done and do little projects like paint morals in Helena's play area. I can take my time, take breaks, read a book, watch a movie and just be. I like being domestic. I like my evenings to be cooking - more like talking to my housemate while she cooks - and reading a story to Helena and then chilling in front of the TV, reading a book, or writing my blog...or going to sleep early. When I take time out of life to just be, I feel better and react better to everything that is thrown at me. I also appreciate things a little more.
• I've learned to be less of a control freak. During my first show in the DC-area I had a shirt with the words "Control Freak" on it. It was true description of who I've been most of my life. I'm still working on shifting gears faster when things are throw at me, but I've learned over the past year to let go of controlling everything. It actually feels good to leave some of the planning and decisions to someone else sometimes. I'm not saying I shrug off responsibility, I just have realized I can't control it all and sometimes it's OK to not be the one in charge. 
  
• I've learned feeling vulnerable doesn't make me a weak person. Letting down my guard with people is hard - it goes along with the Control Freak thing.  I've always felt that I had to be in control of the situation and I couldn't show others when I was feeling "weak." This doesn't mean that I go around crying all the time either, but certain friends this past year have shown me it's OK to let down my guard with them and be honest about what I'm feeling. Sure the wall is up most of the time, but I now know that letting it down and letting people see my vulnerable side doesn't make me weak and won't always lead to me getting hurt.

I'm sure there are many more things that I've done or learned over the past few seasons, but I think these are the biggies. I encourage everyone to do a little Inner Harvest to see how you've grown over the past few seasons. It's hard to see your growth sometimes, especially when you are dealing with some hard situations.

Playing Catch (Up)

Last November I decided to do the Day Zero Project - 101 things to do in 1,001 days. I've been slow in my to-do list, and even slower in updating this blog as I complete them. So, I figured I'd would update everyone on what I've completed since the last blog entry about me completing something.

 

Health
2. Get a massage

In May, I suffered from a huge panic attack (at least that's what I'm calling it since the doctors didn't know what happened and it felt more like a heart attack than a panic attack to me). The next day I was told by my coworkers to stay home, take it easy and take care of myself. For almost six months I had been working six of seven days a week between my Marketing job and Mary Kay, so when faced with a whole day of nothing to do I didn't know what to do with myself.

I went to the mall that day to walk around and do some retail therapy (which really I didn't need to be doing since much of my stress came from making my bill payments). While there I decided to take some of that money and get a massage. It was great and I'm sure I would have gotten more out of it if I went to a Massage Envy verses the little shop inside the mall. That said, I'm glad I did that for myself and could really use another one right now.


Travel/Outings

35. Go on a beach vacation

My daughter is obsessed with "Beach Houses." OBSESSED. I don't know where she learned about them, but she was talking about them all the time for a few months. So, I decided this summer we were going to get a "beach house" (it was really a condo by the beach, and come to find out that she considers ANY house with a pool a beach house). What started out as a trip for me, my mom and sister to visit one of my cousins and her kids at the beach turned into a family reunion for my mother's side of the family. It was a lot of fun, and a lot of lessons learned (hydrate, hydrate, hydrate - oh and don't try to keep up with the Lambooys). I'm thinking this is something we might do again next year, although I'm now saving up to take her to Disney World...maybe everyone would like to meet there next year.

Projects

40. Sew Helena's Halloween costume

OK, it looks like I'm not going to be sewing Helena's Halloween costume this year. However, I did sew a Pirate costume for her classes Pirate Day this summer. I had no pattern and a limited budget, so I went to Micheal's and bought some black and white cotton head scarves. I cut those into strips and sewed them together. These are perfect because they are already hemmed so I didn't have to deal with hemming (the most time consuming of the sewing part of things). I then made a pocket at the top of the skirt and snaked the elastic and it was finished. I paired it with a white shirt she already owned and some scrap red sequin fabric for her head and sash on her skirt. Funny thing? She turned out to be the only one in her class actually dressed up that day...

Her Dad put her in the Captain Morgan pose...
I thought it was hilarious!

Self improvement/Well Being

51. Spend an entire day outside
Almost every year since I've moved back to Maryland I've attended the Maryland Renaissance Festival. I've gone with different groups of friends, with and without my daughter, and in modern day clothes and costume.


This year I went with my friend Amy, sans Helena and in Renaissance Festival inspired modern day dress. I got there at 11:30 am and left around 5:30 am...as full of a day as I've had outside in a LONG time. It was great to be outside all day (and not burn). No schedule really, just enjoying the FALL air listening to some music, and just chilling. Must spend the day outside again!



Community/Environment/Random Acts of Kindness

80. Donate 2 boxes or bags of my things to charity
In the process of decluttering my house, I have donated at least 3 boxes of clothes (two more ready to go out). I have also given away a number of baby items to people on Freecycle. I think Freecycle is nationwide, but basically people in Silver Spring post things they want or are giving away and other people message them to say they want or have those items. It's been great to help other people in my community.

Fun for the Sake of Fun
89. Spend an entire day in my Pjs reading books and eating only junk food
One of the things I obsessed about once things were getting down to the wire with my divorce was my living room. I had no real living room furniture and it bugged me. I wanted an "grown-up" living room where I could read a book or chill with friends or entertain. I finally bought a living room set (I did end up using credit) at ValueCity. My housemate and I then spent the first Saturday that I had the furniture in our PJs, reading books, eating junk food, and drinking...I think it was wine, but can't remember.


It was great! I had forgotten how much I love reading and now I feel the need to read more. I actually bought four books a month ago and read all four of them. Also makes me wonder if I should get a Kindle...but that might be bad.

91. Swim in the ocean

See #35. 

98. Learn Archery (with Oliver Queen would be a plus)
Little known fact: my cousin Kim learned to use a bow and arrow at camp when she was four. Yep, you read that correctly. My cousin learned archery at camp when she was four and I learned that she knew this when she is 20. Ack! She's 20?!


Back to the story...I had mentioned on Facebook about my list and Kim said she could teach me archery. So this summer, while Helena was with her dad for the weekend, I went up to my Aunt's house and Kim taught me how to use a bow and arrow. I hit the target a few times, wore out both my arms...and LOVED it! About two weeks later I went to the Virginia Renaissance Festival and went straight to the archery booth - and hit a bulls eye. Now of course my arrow didn't hit the target hard enough to stay in it...but my friend Patrick and his daughter (I think Sara was looking) saw me hit it so there's proof!

Random thoughts...

Life is like Star Wars, that's right I went there. There are many different chapters (episodes if you will) that we go through before we die and become one with the Force. As time draws closer to the end of this current Episode of my life, I began to try to figure out where I am and where I will be going. I'm very much emotionally attached to this part of my life and I began thinking of it like the original Trilogy (the real original Trilogy not the re-releases with the out-of-place CGI effects). That took me back to Freshmen year of college and Dr. King's Honors English class...I did say these were random thoughts, didn't I?

That year we read a short story, or was it a book, where five or six different men all recalled the same event that happened in Vietnam. Each person recalls the story differently. We then had a discussion and I wrote a paper about memories and how over time those memories layer over each other and sometimes makes us believe events happened differently than they really did.

This led me back to Star Wars and Lucas layering in all that CGI stuff (sorry, I LOVE model effects and will always prefer them to CGI) and how I am sure memories are layering over each other to change my perception of past events. Then I thought, well does that make these memories of this chapter of my life the rereleases of the Trilogy or the Prequels. I quickly decided if it was a Prequel it couldn't be Episode I because Jar Jar was too annoying and I don't think I have encountered ANYONE that annoying...then I prayed that my life has just skipped over that Episode all together...although, I do have a preschooler...

This led me to a recent blog posting on Julia Rocchi's blog Italian Mother Syndrome "What are we waiting for? Answer: TBD." I realized that while I've physically prepared for this change in my life, I haven't allowed myself to stop and mentally/emotionally prepare myself. I'm always going and doing. I've always been this way when faced with a major life change. In high school, college, and even after college I would throw myself into theatre. I think in one year I worked on seven different productions, either on stage or off. I haven't "done theatre" in over a year, although I do now work at one. That crutch isn't there this time, so now I actually have to deal with real life. (I'm not saying people who do a lot of theatre aren't dealing with real life, just me. Ha!)

Instead of going to the theatre every night of the week and either creating a fantasy world on stage or becoming a different person, I'm stuck with being Heather and figuring out this character and what makes her tick. She's a great girl (if I do say so myself) and a very loving Mommy, but what's next for her? Who is she REALLY? What will the next act bring for her? (Yes, I know I'm mixing themes all over this post.)

I've always defined myself by labels. I think most of us do that. Now I'm faced with a new label and have realized I don't want to be defined. Yep, that's right I DON'T want to describe myself by my labels (Mom, Marketing Manager, Divorcee, etc.). Now I just need to figure out how to undefine myself and just be. Easy, right? Ha! I would say where is my personal Obi Wan to guide me, but I'm not so sure I'd listen. Some things you need to take the time to figure it out on your own. Which makes me wonder if Lucas will ever look back at the re-releases and think "what was I thinking?!" Also, who needs to see Jar Jar in 3D? I mean, really.